Yet heart’s full of emotion.
I have difficulty accepting others decisions that impact negatively on me, especially when a reason isn’t even given. I hang onto it and can’t let it go. It’s a real issue, cause it eats away at me while I sit there over analysing everything trying to decipher what’s going on in their head. Wish I could just mind read, would make life so much easier. Instead, I feel sick to my stomach and abandoned. Need to work on not caring.
Stop analysing, it’s semantically null.
The core continuously spins, an unchanging, but fictitious, motion. You rotate, slamming against the walls. The dirt and grime is removed and ejected, what remains is pure, clean and focused.
When it stops spinning, there’s no more sticking to the walls. It all just pours back down to it’s pointless, substance-less form, sloshing around aimlessly.
Unfortunate, but inevitable.
A lot of the time, I think of you.
And I kinda wish you knew.
Just a simple ‘hello’ floors me.
I’ve recently developed an obsession with skies. If I had a camera good enough or a decent vantage point, I’d take much better photos of the sky, but this is all I’m stuck with. Yesterday it looked as though the sky was bleeding, cut with a million razors, the white scars still visible to all. Wounded, it retreats into the distance, and all we see is the red haze of the trail it’s left. Wasn’t sure if they were clouds or plane trails, if they were clouds then they’re some of the weirdest clouds I’ve ever seen.
I’ve woken up today to an empty house, nothing unusual. In fact, it’s becoming a pretty standard occurrence. Today, for some reason though, I’ve woken up with the most intense feeling of loneliness and misdirection ever. I awoke to the thought, I need somebody to talk to about nothing, then realised I have nobody I could do that with. My next thought was to get out of bed and do something today, and realised I really didn’t know what to do. Today’s a strange day, might have to get off my ass and do super productive things to remedy these feelings.
Or at least put them out of sight.
I guess I could write off this blog as another one of my failures, or mediocrities, something half attempted and never fully realised. The intended photo a day seems to have failed, as I’ve slowly posted less and less. I’m going to attempt to get back into this though. It’s not a matter of failure to be perfectly honest, it’s just as I read my previous posts and photos, I realised my life is too mundane to document. It is possibly a fruitless endeavour, but one I’ve decided I may as well continue with no matter how mind numbingly boring it is.
Nothing amazing or excited has happened since my last post. I have not found success or love or the path I know I should be following or the secret and meaning of life. Rather I’ve continued to scrape, getting by, perhaps enjoying life more than I used to, engaging more. It’s a nice thing to do, rather than sitting back all the time.
Being in the final year of university now, everything is study orientated. All conversations follow a political vein, or discussions on postgraduate schemes and examinations. A friend and I were discussing the need to seek a profession and to raise your esteem in society. He’s from Bangladesh and informed me that his parents had always pushed him to succeed, yet when it now came to him needing funding to continue his postgraduate studies, they did not wish to do so. At this point, he was complaining about how ridiculous it is that we all focus so much on aiming to do as well as we can, at least within our respective communities, in order to secure a future for ourselves and our children. It is pretty ridiculous when you realise most of that money either goes to the tax man and the rest doesn’t matter once you’re dead, which let’s face it, could be at any moment.
Our conversation sadly was cut short, and once he had departed I sat alone by some steps to smoke. Oddly enough a huge group of pigeons surrounded the steps I was near, all fighting over the same food. I promptly got my camera out to take a photo of them, as it reminded me of the rat race we all struggle to get into, just to hate ourselves and our jobs, a million nameless faces all moving in unison to the same objective. As I was lining up the photo in preparation to post it now, I noticed one single pigeon wasn’t joining in. One single albino pigeon, out of all the others decided to stand back, watch on, look directly at me, even, as though to acknowledge the madness that was occuring beneath him. This pigeon seemed to have found peace within itself, seemed to understand for a moment that perhaps all of this was nonsense, everything comes in it’s own time and at it’s own pace. It took a step back from it all, seated calmly away from the crowds, an individual.
It’s an odd feeling seeing things in something that everybody else would probably think you’re mad for seeing, but I don’t know. I liked what I saw in that pigeon.